1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
just tell him i said nine months
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
