She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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