Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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