Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
