It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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