im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
