I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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