The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Randomize
