Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
