you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
