hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
This is the prime rib incident all over again
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
