She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
