about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Come share oat with me in your robe
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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