Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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