why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Randomize
