she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
