I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
