god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
