I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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