Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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