people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
