His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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