Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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