his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
