Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
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