Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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