i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
