I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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