and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
