Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
