Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
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