I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
