Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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