Got a toothbrush?
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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