PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
She even gives head with a lisp.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
