oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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