new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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