This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
