your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
