i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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