I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
