Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
