Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
