I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
thus making me awesome and them whores
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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