and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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