There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
