life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
