Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
