you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
