im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
