Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
