Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
