is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
